I want to livE, sO leT mE Live

The tears I want to cry will not be shed.
The noise I want to make will not be made.
I wait for my breath to fog up the glass,
But the world refuses to follow the rules.
My entire body is numb,
Not even pins and needles,
Just nothing.
Its like I’m stuck in fog, or mist.
Clinging to me, around me.
Living and breathing like a human being.
Like a smog blanket.
I can’t even walk, I float above the icy floor.
My feet won’t touch, won’t even attempt.
My body is weak, I can’t even move it.
I can’t even wiggle my fingers.
I want to take a deep breath,
Just to taste oxygen once more.
But I cannot, my body refuses.
I’m not even scared, no panic will enter my mind nor soul.
I know I am afraid and I know I have good reason to be,
But I simply cannot summon it up,
That feeling,
When panic hits.
I don’t see a light or a road, only a window,
With the future on hold.
And I hear a whisper, soft and goading, telling to look in, just a quick peek.
Goading me further, a harsh croaking voice and yet so beautiful and mesmerizing..
It sings to me like a siren calling out to a married man.
It cries to me like a crow, starving for food.
It wails at me like a baby left in the cold.
It wants me to look.
So I do.
I see the future I could have had,
Children and a husband,
A home and a job.
I want it all so bad that it hurts,
Finally something.
A deep throbbing ache in my chest,
Crying and pinning.
Death can be so cruel.
Then the fear hits,
Real fear that is.
The burning coolness shooting through my chest,
Straight to my fingertips.
Bubbling in the pit of my stomach,
A scream inside my head.
Now the real panic is here I begin to beg, to cry and plead.
Let me live.
I beg.
Let me LIVE.
I plead.
Let ME LIVE.
I cry.
LET ME LIVE!
I scream.
Whoosh.
Feeling shoots through me.
I can wiggle my fingers.
But all I feel is coldness, wrapped in its icy fist.
All I see is darkness.
My eyes are so heavy, so very heavy,
Like each lash weighs a ton.
I lift them so slowly, so very carefully,
Not daring to believe.
A snowflake hits my cheek.
Death let me live.